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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Why We DO It!

Before you get started, no I'm not talking about "it." I'm talking about how we all rip ourselves down during the course of our lives. Sure, maybe there is a medical reason for some issues, but overall aren't we just ripping ourselves a new one for sake of FEAR? Trust me I am not one to shy away from the argument because I am one of the most horrific victims of my own stupidity.



The song above happens to be from P!nk and the lyrics are rather brilliant. "You're so mean, when you talk, about yourself, you are wrong, changes the voices, in your head, make them like you instead." It sounds like such a simple concept - change how one perceives oneself - but the act of changing your opinion is one of the most difficult things a human being can do.

I personally have a few issues with myself. I rarely think I am qualified to do a damn thing, simply because I have taught myself what I know. Take web design for example - I am purely self taught. I went and studied online. I learned by trial and error. I use Code Academy to try to stay on top of changes in coding, but also to teach myself the old techniques I might not have learned prior. So, why must I endlessly tell myself I am not worthy of the freelancing jobs I take on?

Myself & Michelle Tomlinson - "The Loathing"
Another example is my acting. I have done my fair share of projects in front of and behind the camera. I've even won awards for a pilot I co-wrote, directed and starred in. Yet, on shoot after shoot when people asked where I took classes, went to school etc I would reply with my degrees in psychology. After that, I was usually referred to as a novice, not a real actor or I would just be ignored altogether. While I do appreciate always learning and honing ones craft - I DO work with Michelle Tomlinson (she's brilliant so if you're an actor HIRE HER to teach you) after all - I wasn't allowed the choice of majoring in this field. It happens, so why do I let those comments control my acting... seriously it controls it. I am in the middle of a scene and I will second guess, judge and scream that I am OVERACTING!

The point is I DO IT. I ALLOW IT. Gosh, I sit here, writing this and I feel like an IDIOT party of ONE! I've been bullied in high school, I had gum spit in my hair in grammar school... I couldn't stop the bullies then. I couldn't stop them from making my bus ride torment every day. I could only suck it up and survive. I hated everything about me growing up and I allowed that to roll over into my adult life. The only problem now is, I am the bully. I bully myself into believing I'm not qualified or good enough. I allow words and people to rule me.

So, how do I change this situation? I'm going to start one day at a time reminding myself that I am allowed to succeed. I AM a freelance web designer. I AM an actor. I AM a filmmaker. I have my own company, Little Crown Productions under which I do all of this. I am going to say those things every day.  I am also, on the advice of my fellow freelancer and graphic artist Mr. Bill, I am going to try and speak in a positive way. I can change things if I put my mind to it... or as P!nk says in her new song "You gotta get up and try."



P.S... don't be surprised if you see more blogs like this one... just because one tries doesn't mean we don't fail now and again... it's accepting these failures, realizing where one went wrong and trying to overcome it.


Feel free to share this post or comment please! Your words of wisdom are always encouraged.

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